# Forgiveness In general it is best to generously accept an apology offered to you in good faith[[Be generous in accepting an apology offered to you in good faith.|º]] and to accept a heartfelt apology with simplicity and grace.[[Accept a heartfelt apology with simplicity and grace.|º]] And accepting an apology does not mean you are finished talking about a painful issue.[[Accepting an apology does not mean you are finished talking about a painful issue or forgive the other person.|º]] It also does not mean you have necessarily forgiven them. But receiving (and accepting) an apology may be the first step in the journey towards forgiveness. Do not let the high (perhaps at present unfathomable) virtuousness of total forgiveness get in the way of that first step! Indeed, you do not *need* to forgive someone in order to accept their apology. You do not need to say that whatever it was they did was ok, or to absolve them of their guilt. It is enough to say (and perhaps would be best not to say any more than): “Thank you for the apology. I appreciate it.”[[“Thank you for the apology. I appreciate it.”|º]] Forgiveness extends not just to others, but also to oneself. One should forgive oneself for mistakes one made when one didn’t know better.[[I forgive myself for mistakes I made when I didn’t know better.|º]] Forgiving someone for what they have done to hurt you is an act of love. It is an act of love both for the other person, but also for yourself. As Harriet Lerner[[Harriet Lerner|º]] reminds us though, forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with that person. Rather, forgiving someone is a chance for you to let go of negative feelings you have towards them so that *you* can be free.[[Remember, forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with that person. It's a chance for you to let go of negative feelings you have so that you can be free.|º]] Sometimes forgiving someone may not be appropriate or necessary. Therapist and apology expert Harriet Lerner[[Harriet Lerner|º]] suggests you do *not* need to forgive someone who has hurt you in order to free yourself from obsessive anger and bitterness. Indeed, she says, sometimes it takes strength *not* to do so in the face of immense pressure to do so. And in any case, sometimes forgiveness is not warranted.[[Sometimes forgiveness is not warranted.|º]] ## Read [[Wild Geese by Mary Oliver]] [[Forest/The Three Questions by Leo Tolstoy|The Three Questions by Leo Tolstoy]] [[Defining the Problem by Wendy Cope]] %% # Reference ```dataview LIST FROM [[]] OR #forgiveness AND !outgoing([[]]) AND -"Templates" WHERE file.name != this.file.name SORT file.name ASC ``` # Archive - %%